By Anonymous on Sunday, August 18, 2002 - 02:28 pm:

Saw a A current affair tonight and was appauled at the opinion to pick-up children who should be sleeping - have raised 2 babies of my own and have a girlfriend who is now in living hell due to her 2 year old who sleeps on average 6-8hrs a day in total - the child has heaps of behavioural problems due to being totally tired continually - she screams the house down for 2/3 hours at night if you try to put her to bed - my girlfriend works and has tried to be the best possible mother to her child and never established any sleep patterns for the child as she felt cruel to let her cry - I am really worried at the state her life and the babies and wish someone who writes books on these things could walk in my girlfriends shoes - the babies father is a chef and works odd hours - the baby has never learned to sleep thru his coming and goings and now waits up at night till 11.00 so that she can have some quality time with daddy before she goes to bed -

Childcare can not get this baby to sleep during the day she has to be removed from her room and placed in the prinipals office until she stops screaming whilst the other children sleep - my girlfriend is a walking zombie due to sleep deprevation and so is her 2 year old -

If sleeping patterns had been established when the child was much younger she would not be in this predicament now - she should have never been told to pick up the baby when it was crying when it should have been sleeping - now if she tries to put her down the performance is so huge you can hear the 2 year old screaming in the next street.

Really worried
friend

By Pinky on Sunday, August 18, 2002 - 02:29 pm:

Dear friend,
you are obviously a caring friend and deeply concerned about your friends difficulties with her child.

Please dont misinterpret what I said in the few seconds on A Current Affair -in my books I do talk about helping to "gently" encourage rhythms to the day, bedtime routines and sleep cues - these dont have to involve leaving little (or bigger) babies to cry.
I really think each mother knows her own child best and understands when the cries are simply a bit of a protest or the expression of a deeper need.

I hate the idea of imposing rigid schedules on any infant and generally babies settle into their own ryhthm if parents are simply aware of the baby's cues and offer a supportive environment.

I cant judge what has happened with this poor litle child but if she has been left to cry for two to three hours this clearly has not "taught her" to sleep. I am sure there are security/separation issues around the way she is being treated at childcare -many litle ones actually reverse their sleep patterns when they are in childcare as though they need to stoke up on mummy/dady time to make up for the daytime separations. It seems very punitive to put a child in the principals office until she stops crying - this is surely teaching her to deny her emotions. It would be far better to try and work out what is happening here -why is she so upset, for instance and what support would be helpful for the parents.
Remember, babies/children have emotional needs as well as hunger/ pain etc.

Personally, I would recommend an evening massage to help this little one relax and reconnect with her mum after work/ extra special time together -perhaps a story or game then later in the evening, a regular bedtime routine such as a warm bath to help her relax(with a few drops of lavender for extra calming effects) -bathing with one of the parents could be a good way to catch up on parent time. I would also recommend using "Music for Dreaming" a wonderful continuous tape/Cd of lullabies played in the 3/4 rhythm by members of the Melbourne Symphony orchestra - I would turn off television -the noise and lights are very stimulating to little nervous sytems- and try to keep the evenings as calm as possible to let this little one recharge -at childcare she probably has very little quiet, personal space.
Many children (and adults) find it difficult to "wind down" after a busy day.

It would also be sensible to check into the possibilty of food intolerance/ allergies . These can affect behaviour and something as simple as a build up of fluid in ears can be painful when a baby is lying down (not that I guess this little one is lying down at her age!!)- see the food intolerance network link on my links page - a wide range of additional resources is listed in both my books (parenting By heart includes information about older children as well as babies).
Then , of course, there is the option of taking the child into the parents bed -many parents find this solves the problems of children catching up with mummy/ daddy time - and dont worry about "bad habits"- when childen feel secure they will happily move back to their own beds -It is wise though to make all such changes gradually and lovingly.
It is always better to uncover the reasons for infants (or anyones) distess, than leaving a distressed person to cry.
The mum obviously needs support too, not blame. it isnt as simple as saying she should have **** ??whatever??
babies needs constantly change and security is important at any age - leaving little ones to cry only teaches themmthat they are helpless. We do want them to reach out to us when they are older and in trouble at all -we cant have it both ways if we ignore them when they are little.

Perhaps you could read my books before judging - there are 100 OTHER ways to calm the crying, without upsetting either baby or parent.
Pinky

By Anonymous on Monday, September 2, 2002 - 01:58 pm:

Dear Friend
I really recommend you read Pinky's books as there is a lot of great information and ideas in there about how to get a baby to sleep. I am increasinly concerned at the amount of people who think you should be able to "teach a baby to sleep' Babies by their very nature are dependant on their mothers, and need nurturing, not rules and regimentation.It is simply unnatural in my opinion to expect a baby to sleep, away from its mother, just because it may be convenient.It is only recently that people have decided to try to put babies down in separate rooms and expect them to sleep-Most cultures and societies have always co slept with their babies.Has your friend considered trying this? It is the best way for many people, and is a lot more natural than trying to impose strict bedtime routines IMO.Some children are more high needs than others, and surely you can see that it is your friend trying to force this child to sleep (not that I'm blaming her, she is tired and desperate and needs sleep and who can blame her)that is causing more of a problem.It is instinctual for a mother to pick up a crying baby, I beleive the child abuse, is leaving a distressed child to "cry it out" alone.

By Jill Curtis on Friday, September 20, 2002 - 07:59 pm:

May a mother of three and grandmother of seven put in a few words.....poor poor baby (and mother) if the baby is left to scream for 2/3 hours. Rush to the nearest shop, and if you are a really worried friend, buy Pinky's book and help your friend to enjoy her baby.

By Anonymous on Friday, September 27, 2002 - 05:20 pm:

I too have a "non-sleeper" for a child. She is now nearly 5 years, and sleeps well, but it has taken this long to get her to this stage. My little darling is sensitive to colours. If I allow her to have any she "goes off the planet" (her words), and can't settle.

We now have her in a routine for bedtime. It is very flexible, often we have friends over, or we go out. Most nights we have a bath, either together or just her and her brother. Then dinner in her pyjamas and a quiet story, cuddle and kiss, lights out, then she and her brother chat for a short while then they go to sleep. She shares a room with her 3 year old brother for now. There is no question about what goes next or whether or not they will go to bed because they know their routine. I have written it onto some paper and covered it in contact so that they can tick off what they have done.

Without a routine my daughter would stay up all night, and in fact on the occasional night when the routine doesn't happen (when life gets in the way) she finds it very difficult to settle.

By Anonymous on Wednesday, October 23, 2002 - 07:50 pm:

I have a four month old baby who I have been co sleeping with since his birth. My son is a cat napper, he sleeps nuemrous times throughout the day but not for long. he wakes frequently at night to feed. The fact that he sleeps next to me has meant limited sleep disruption for myself and my partner. Recently, due to pressure from many people my partner and I tried a day program at a mother and child centre that uses the controlled crying method in an attempt to get him to sleep longer. we were told that our instincts are wrong, our flexibility was wrong,all babies should sleep 18 hours per day, we should not be sleeping with him and we should leave him to cry. we were also told that their method was a 100% succesful and if it didnt work, we were not doing something properly.He slept no longer at the centre or when we got him home and tried this method for three days, causing us all great distress. He was impossible to resettle and awoke form sleep in tears, when previously he had awoken happily. One day he became completely inconsolable, and we made a decision not to continue with this method. he is now back in my bed, we are all getting far more sleep than friends who leave their baby to cry, and our baby is a happy baby. I cant stress enough the importance of believing in yourself and your mothering.

By Liams Mama on Monday, December 2, 2002 - 10:12 pm:

Hi

I co own a forum which is all about alternative parenting methods such as co sleeping, babywearing, gentle discipline, extended breastfeeding etc. We also have links to many state based support grpoups for attachmnet and alternative parenting. I am a moderator of the Melbourne AP group too. I wrote one of the above "annoymous" quotes about the benefits of co sleeping-I forgot to put a name though LOL.
Sleeping with a baby or toddler is completely natural, whereas, in my opinion, sleep training, especially controlled crying, and cry it out, is not.Anyone who does this, please dont feel guilty, you are doing the best possible thing for your child.

If anyone is interested in the forum, it can be found at www.alternativebaby.net
or e mail me fuschia@alternativebaby.net for any more info

Jayne

By Anonymous on Friday, May 23, 2003 - 03:54 pm:

I have a 13-month old who has never slept through the night. She is a happy, bright, beautiful child (believe me- everyone stops us on the streets!) who is affectionate and independent. I felt guilty about co-sleeping and going to her when she wakes in the night, until I spent time in Japan due to my husband's work. While there, I met many breastfeeding mothers of all nationalities and was reassured that what I was doing was right for my child and me. Let's not forget that many more babies in the world sleep with their parents than those that don't!

By Anonymous on Sunday, July 20, 2003 - 12:14 pm:

A word in support of 'controlled crying' or call it what you will I had a premature baby born at 28 weeks and by the time he was six months I was seriously sleep deprived because I constantly attended to his crying through sleep time(through guilt at our separation I now feel) rather than letting him settle himself. I spent a week at a sleep/feeding/settling program in Sydney...it literally saved my life and possibly his..I had reached a stage of complete breakdown before I went there, spent a fantastic week of support and encouragement and came home with a baby who would happily sleep 12 hours a night as well as two good naps a day. I never again heard my baby cry in the night until he was sick...he is 10 and still sleeps beautifully without disturbing himself or us unless he is ill or distressed from a bad dream.

I don't expect every baby will respond in the same way...but it was a complete life saver for me..I was at the stage of driving off a cliff before I went there..and became a loving, happy mother with a loving happy and thank heaven..healthy baby who I cherish every day.

Thank you to all the wonderful staff..you know where you are

By Pinky on Monday, July 21, 2003 - 09:42 pm:

Hi Anonymous,
I think there is a spectrum of advice/ treatment - call it what you will - that is labelled 'controlled crying' - it's a dreadful term. And there is also a range of care available at mother baby units - from wise and gentle people who nurture and support mothers and teach them practical skills such as reading their babies cues -to all out "baby boot camps" where mums and babies are simply separated until the babies "give up" . I believeALL mums need support and nurturing - although goodness knows this seems to be scarce in the modern community.

It is a pity this support isnt like a fence around the top of the cliff so mums dont end up over the edge - at the "bottom" before help is available.

Sadly, recently, much "help" comes in the form of advice to control cry very tiny babies and generally no other alternatives are being offered. This is not supportive to mums or safe for babies.

The thing to remember is that it's not somehow "weak" to ask for help and if one does check into a mother baby unit, you don't have to do ANYTHING that doesnt feel right for you and your baby - its still YOUR baby! Accept whatever help is offered and leave what doesnt work for you - as anonymous says - all babies are different.

BTW - if you are looking for sleep tips - check out the August issue of Family Circle (Australia) for my article - 15 Ways to help your baby Sleep.

Pinky

By Nola Franic on Thursday, November 6, 2003 - 06:06 pm:

We had our baby sleep in the same room as us for the first six months, but as my husband gets up at 2:30 every morning to go to work it started disturbing her when she started to sleep through. She has since been in her own room in a cot.

Just recently she was sick and now she often wakes during the night and wont sleep until she is in my bed, at first i didnt like this as she used to kick me and wriggle too much and kept me awake but she has now learnt to stay on her side of the bed. She does sleep in her bed most of the night and sometimes all night. She is now 18 mths and still breastfed so sometimes she just wants to feed and cuddle, as she usually wakes when my husband has left for work there is no problem. I have found that she will sleep that little bit longer with me and usually plays nicer all day. So i would suggest that maybe trying to sleep together, even if it is just until they are asleep and then put them in their own bed, it has worked for me. Good Luck and hopefully good sleeping.

By Janet on Sunday, January 11, 2004 - 12:34 am:

Dear Everyone,
thank you for all these great comments and suggestions. I have an 8 week old bub who sleeps with us. He's in bed right now with his dad while I play on the net! ;-)
I have found that even though he wakes frequently when he's having a growth spurt - and I mean frequently, every hour on the hour sometimes - I sleep much better than people told me I would before he was born. I'm not much good when I'm sleep deprived so I was a bit apprehensive about how a new baby would be for me. People tell you such awful stories about how they cry all night and you never sleep until they leave home. Well, maybe a little before ;-). My baby is relaxed and confident and I'm sure it's because he knows his needs will be met asap both day and night. My partner's parents are staying with us at the moment and this is their 6th grandchild. They are amazed at how calm and happy he is and how relaxed and happy we are with him. He cries when he gets overtired and he cries to be fed but only a very little as I can usually pick his mood very quickly from the cues he gives out and catch him before he gets distressed. I find wrapping him is good as he startles and it wakes him up. If I wasn't sleeping with him I think he would have a much harder time of that too. Sometimes at night he startles and even though he is still very drowsy he lets out some little squeaks so I speak softly to him and he settles straight away without any trauma. If he wasn't in my bed that couldn't happen. I also feel that how you feel about babies and sleep can affect how you deal with it. I felt before he was born that since babies cry and they don't sleep like adults it was better to just accept that and go with the flow. I haven't tried to take over the world since he's been born but to take it easy and just live on baby time. He's only going to be this little for such a short time I think it's really worth it for us. He happily goes out to dinner to restaurants and sleeps in his pram when he's had enough breast and chat with other people at the table. If we're with friends he goes on their bed just as if he was at home. I always take one of his own rugs from home so it smells familiar when he's in other people's environments. He just had his first NYE party where he went to bed at 9pm and we had to put him in the car still asleep at 12.30am to bring him home. He's also starting to know the difference between day and night now and expecting play in the day and not at night. During the day he mostly sleeps in our bed alone or in his pram while at night he sleep with us both and I use a very dim light if I can't feel to attach him properly. So it's different at those times and he knows it. We also keep nappy changes to a bare minimum at night. If a pooey nappy upsets him his daddy changes it but otherwise we let him sleep and put a good barrier cream on his last night time nappy. Often at night he doesn't even open his eyes to feed, he just points his face at me and opens his mouth. It's like being in bed with a baby bird! One useful tip a friend gave me was to get a touch lamp and put a 25 watt globe in it. For night feeds I put it on the lowest setting and that way I can see enough to attach him but it doesn't wake him or his daddy up. Then the next brightness up from that one is enough that I can read in bed. Great! People at both our workplaces tell us that we look way too rested to be parenting a new baby so we sing the praises of cosleeping your baby. I can't tell you the thrill of when he wakes for his morning feeds (at a decent hour like 7 - 9am roughly) and gives me a huge smile and a big laugh when he sees me smiling at him! Often I lie in bed with him and he plays and gurgles and then we go back to cleep together for a little sleep in before we get out of bed. Lovely!

By Terri Anderton on Monday, January 19, 2004 - 08:54 pm:

I am very interested in all of your experiences with young (and not so young) babies and children, and their sleep patterns. I am learniing about mothering my beautiful nearly 12 week old baby boy and find myself quite confused and lacking in confidence when it comes to his day time sleeping. Luckily for me and my partner our wee boy is pretty good at night, sleeping for around 2-4 hours (it seems to get shorter as morning approaches) and feeding well when he wakes, then settling back down again well too. But during the day time he only seems to sleep for 40 minutes at a time. The M&CH Nurse and other 'health professionals' constantly say that he needs more than that in one go, and honestly I'd love it if he slept for a little longer and then was more happily awake during his waking times. He now suffers from eczema and I have no idea whether its his lack of sleep, my stress...Also I am trialling 'patting' him to sleep, and back down again when he stirs after 40 minutes. I feel very confused about this practise, as I believe in the crying as only form of communication, and therefore don't want to shut him off...sometimes he's not crying, just drifting or tossing and turning...sometimes he cries and they peak in a minute and then he zonks out. Everytime I pat him I wonder whether I'm shutting him out, but then he seems like such a happy little lad with grins and chortles when he's well rested. Oh you would't believe how I second guess his every move, and I can't seem to find any 'attachment' proponents who can give me guidelines - just the health nurse who recommends the patting approach. I have a sling but being a long baby he looks very scrunched up and uncomfortable when I try and lie him in it, and he doesn't yet have the head control to sit up in the sling.
I guess what I'm hoping for is some kind of guidance as to how to help/whether to help him sleep during the day, or whether 40 minute windows are sufficient. I have to admit that the 40 minutes of sleeping boy and then the 1 1/2 hours of awake boy make me wonder how to get the minimum of chores done in a day, let alone the ideal of 'having a nap when he does', giving him adequate tummy time (which so far he dislikes), applying all of the sorbolene required to keep his skin supple in the gentlest possible way, and god forbid, actually having a bit of a play, or a dance or some FUN together...
I'd love your views
another parent uncomfortable with 'controlling' comfort or crying

By Pinky on Monday, January 19, 2004 - 11:58 pm:

Hi Terri,
You sound a bit bamboozled by all the advice you are getting - trust yourself- you do know what feels right for you and your baby - if he only sleeps for 40 minutes and is reasonably happy then that will be fine for him. Really, how are you supposed to live? -standing over a cot patting all day when you may as well be enjoying another cuddle or a little play together -or even going for a walk in the fresh air. And with some luck he'll have another catnap later.

Some babies simply are catnappers - and having just come back to earth after spending 4 days at the 9th World congress on Infant Mental Health, Id love to pass on something that may help - Professor James McKenna, an eminent Sids and infant sleep researcher (see my co=sleeping links to his website) reminded us that all the infant sleep requirement charts (ie how long the average baby "should" sleep) were compiled in the 50s by observations of solitary sleeping, bottle fed babies -these babies lack sensory stimulation and were being fed cow milk that has curds requiring longer to break down than human breast milk. This is not a normal reflection of how babies are supposed to sleep. Also I met LOTS (?Everyone there) of psychiatrists and psychologists who are appalled at the prevalence of controlled crying/ baby sleep training.

So Terri - relax and try to surround yourself with people who will support you - you are a gentle caring mum who sounds really in tune with your baby - trust yourself, trust your baby and be gentle on yourself.

If you live in Melbourne, you will certainly find gentle mums at my infant massage classes and at the request of mums who want to "continue" I am now offering weekly Gentle Beginnings discussion groups at Oakleigh (rooms at a health food shop with juice bar) plus a fortnightly discussion group at Hawthorn, as well as massage classes at both venues - massage is a lovely way to tune in and relax with your baby too -and no pressure to "perform" and do one more thing to be a perfect mum! Just enjoy the nurturing space together as you meet other likeminded mums and the babies "chat" to each other.

Re tummy time - maybe your bub would enjoy simply lying against your chest as you sit back and gradually lie/ lean back further, or across your knees or supported under his arms by a rolled up towel as you stroke/ massage his back -perhaps with a mirror in front of him to look into as a diversion to encourage increasingly lomger spells. If he wont do tummy time for long, just do shorter periods more often. Tummy time doesnt have to be done straight on the floor.

Re excema - lack of sleep is not a factor - often removing an allergen ie dairy products from your own diet can help. If you try this it needs to be done thoroughly and consistently for 2 weeks to see results as the proteins can take this long to be eliminated from your system.

Best wishes,
Pinky

By Janet on Tuesday, January 20, 2004 - 12:21 am:

Hi Terri,
it's amazing how differently they all sleep, isn't it?! My bub (9 weeks) has taken to waking up, playing about an hour then giving all the sleepy signs but when I put him to bed he is unbelievably wide awake immediately. So it's up for another hour or so until he really is sleepy not just sending me confusing messages... Sometimes during the day - only over the last week though - he has been having really short sleeps for him, say about an hour. I have discovered that if he sees the tv for more than about 10 minutes (he's only just started being able to see it) he gets overloaded and distressed so I've moved where he has toys to lie with on the floor and he seems to be calmer. He sleeps very well at night still for which I'm grateful! They change their habits so fast they're more like hobbies than habits. So I just try to keep up!
Hope you're feeling encouraged by Pinky's message. I am!
Best wishes,
Janet

By Anonymous on Tuesday, February 24, 2004 - 08:45 pm:

My baby is 10 months now and sleeps by herself during the day and the first part of the night after which she comes into bed with us. Which my husband and I both greatly enjoy having lovely cuddles and she breastfeeds at quite regular intervals. I don't find this too tiring, I guess our sleep cycles are matched but I am wondering when others have found that babies sleep through using this type of parenting. As opposed to other methods where babies sleep through from about 4 months or so.

At the moment she goes to bed at about 8pm and wakes first around 12pm and then comes into bed with us waking every few hours for feeds (well little feeds) until we get up.

By Anonymous on Thursday, March 25, 2004 - 12:09 am:

my partner and I are at odds as to what to do with our 5 month old baby. He wants to employ the controlled crying technique and I really dont believe it is good for her. She gets very very distressed and it breaks my heart when she finally does go to sleep I cant sleep for hours becuase my heart is broken. She has almost always slept through the night and is a very happy girl. But before when I was putting her to sleep she would not go to bed till midnight and then would wake at 10am have a feed and go back to sleep till midday. It worked for me and bub but not my partner and it is cuasing alot of tension between us. Is there anyway to compromise between the two techniques??

By pinky on Friday, March 26, 2004 - 10:01 pm:

Hi Anonymous,
This is soo hard when you are torn between your baby and partner - your instincts are more attuned to your baby - who carried her before she was born etc?
I guess you all know my thoughts on controlled crying - and any version of it - if in doubt please have a look at the co-sleeping links - not to convince you that a family bed is the only option but there is some great info on infant sleep (what is "normal") as well as the Australian association of infant mental health policy statement on controlled crying. we all need ammo when we are swimming against the tide and sometimes "reading aloud" to our partners can help educate them.

Sometimes dads can be persuaded to "try something for a week/ 2 weeks" - whatever time you feel sounds reasonable .

Perhaps you could try allowing your little one to go to bed at "her" normal time (she doesnt understand why you are changing the rules), then wake her (gently) a little earlier in the morning - say at 9.30am the first couple of days,and then also wake her earlier after her morning sleep. Gradually move this waking back half an hour at a time, as she gets used to this shift.

If your baby has had lots of sleep during the day, she will be upset and confused about being put to bed early. After a week or perhaps a bit longer you may find you have her going to bed earlier. You will have to be consistent and not "sleep in" yourself. This is a much more gentle way than making her cry it out.

Perhaps hubby feels he is missing out as this isnt his sleep cycle and he isnt getting any time alone with you, especially if he is going to work and is tired - try giving him a loving approach too. Its such a big adjustment for everyone and often guys feelings of "abandonment" are due to earlier memories of their own.

You sound really attuned to your baby and this is wonderful I hope this offers you a compromise.

Pinky

By Anonymous on Sunday, April 18, 2004 - 05:46 pm:

Pinky,

Alot of your suggestions and advice makes sense to me. I am a first time mum who didn't cope well in being a mother at all in the beginning as my baby just would not sleep at all - I look back at those months and still cringe! However, I attended sleep school because I was getting no sleep. There was great caring staff at the centre who taught me how to read my baby's tired signs more carefully. My baby was 3months old when I attended a mother and baby unit and they never advocated controlled crying for little ones. However, I was told that co-sleeping was a "no-no". So I stopped. The mother and baby unit was good for me as I learn't to understand my baby's routine. She does sleep well during the day and night, however, she is back in our bed (in the early hours of the morning) as she seems to need the closeness. It's quite interesting still to be told by maternal health nurses that co-sleeping even for such a few hours is not a good idea. Its a pity that there is not sleep centres around that encourage and nuture natural parenting techniques or even validate what new mums do to calm there babies is OK.

By pinky on Monday, April 19, 2004 - 01:12 am:

Hi ,
I am noticing that some mother baby units are now advocating against controlled crying / comntrolled comforting (while others make my hair stand on end because babies should never be left to "cry it out"). I am sure the Australian Association of Infant Mental Health Policy Statement on controlled Crying/ Controlled comforting has played a part here -(see a link to this in my cosleeping links at the links page)

It sounds as though you have found a lovely compromise in meeting your baby's needs by watching her cues and responding.

I wholeheartedly agree that a little bit more support for natural options and how to implement these within a safe environment could do with some encouragement. I hear from mums every day who feel at odds with a lot of mainstream "one size fits all" advice. Congratulations on being able to take the bits that suit you and your baby and working them out to fit YOUR family. Lots of mums snuggle with their babies early in the morning - and isnt it delicious!!!

best wishes,
pinky

By Jane Chami on Friday, April 30, 2004 - 02:14 pm:

Hi Pinky,

We have a 15 mth old baby boy who has always had a terrible time sleeping. We do co sleep with him and he does so well until approx 1:00am and then he wakes approx every 40 mins and lets out a blood curdling scream. He has done this since birth. The only way we can settle him is to have him sleep on one of our tummies. This as I am sure you can understand is not ideal. He is very heavy and it means sleep is almost impossible as you cannot roll over or move etc. He had a very traumatic birth experience. Do you think this could have something to do with it ? from 1:00am - 5:00am was when he was in distress. He seems to have such a fear of sleeping, during the day I have to drive him around for 20 mins to get him to have a nap, which often only lasts 45 mins at most and that is it for the day. We are so exhausted and it is putting a real strain on our relationship. We have tried so many things. Do you have any ideas on what may be causing this and how we can fix it?

Please help

Thanks
Jane

By lisa on Thursday, May 27, 2004 - 09:27 am:

have 2 beautiful daughters.first baby slept with us in our bed on and off and always a cot in our room for 19months. she fed every two hours on the dot day and night. i am a strong believer in co-sleeping arrangements. i was told by many friends and family that i would never get her to sleep in her own bed but we employed a regular (not rigid) bedtime routine and she has never left her own bed for ours since she "moved out" so to speak. i could never bring myself to leave my child while she was crying at the point of excess. a gentle reminder that i am with her in the room when she fussed was enough reassurance for her to go back to sleep. even now when she is 3 yo she sometimes talks to me through her room and when i reply she settles herself and continues sleeping ( a result of a sudden separation when baby 2 was born i believe) i am writing a book about breastfeeding at the moment but the underlying message that i hope anyone who reads it will get is that we are intune with our children's needs and our instincts are not wrong ( as anon was told by the physician) i believe we all have it in us to parent with our loving instincts and that humans had done it for thousands of years before society decided it was wrong. please have confidence in your own abilities and keep an open mind with all the advice you receive but YOU make the decision from your heart for if it comes from your heart how can it be wrong. baby 2 will co-sleep with us for as long as she needs and we are all happier for it.

lisa.....
(if anyone has queries about my book have a posting in "You say" breastfeeding book. email me at lisa@dlucas.auzy.net}

By Anonymous on Thursday, August 19, 2004 - 02:14 pm:

Pinky
I have beautiful 18 month old daughter. She has not been a very good sleeper, however my husband and I have gone through many sleepless nights, and managed to assist her to sleep though the night by 12 months. I now have a 3 month old boy, and my daughter finds it very difficult to go to sleep. She will not lie down in her cot during the day or night. Every attempt to put her tp sleep ends in crying. She does not like to sleep in our bed either. Instead she will only fall asleep on my lap or my husband's lap.

We do have a bed tome routine, however this no longer works.

Any assitance or advice is welcome.
Please advise which of your books would provide the best help.

By meg on Sunday, August 29, 2004 - 11:41 am:

My baby is 16 weeks and my husband and I have found this journey into parenthood incredible, challenging, rewarding and of course at times frustrating. We continually reflect and learn. The sleeping has been the most challenging. Our baby has always been a settled night-time sleeper and we have implemented a lovely settling routine (based on Pinky's book) of bath, massage, feed, rocking in hammock with CD on. This works really well.

However, daytime sleeps are tricky. When we try a similar routine (cuddle, music and rocking- though no bath, massage or feed) he screams as soon as we enter the bedroom (he sleeps in our bedroom in a hammock). We cuddle (although he isn't a very cuddly baby and arches back and tenses up), then put him in the hammock with soothing words and rock with CD on. He then cries (sometimes screams for anything from 5-30 min.) with us rocking. Part of me says he is overtired/overstimulated and really needs sleep (if he stays awake is he very unsettled) and part of me says he doesn't need to sleep though needs to be with me.

He is so senstive to noise (toilet flushing, phone, sneezing) when we are trying to get him to sleep which makes me think he is quite tense.

He rarely sleeps out though if we have been out to a cafe he usually feeds and then sleeps in my arms. He loves the sling (which he is in a lot, though doesn't sleep in) though dislikes the pram.

Any thoughts on daytime sleep?

Meg

By rebeccab on Monday, November 22, 2004 - 09:22 pm:

pinky,
i am at my wits end. i am nauseatingly 10 weeks pregnant and have a wonderful little boy who is turning one this week. he was a great sleeper until we moved when he was 5 months old and now is a frequent waker overnight. we have a good routine for bed and he sleeps for b/w 4 and 7 hours before he wakes and won't settle. i was just putting up with it but am so bone-achingly tired that i feel i need to do something. last week i counted (stupidly) and i got up to him 19 times. i am so tired. if i can't settle him with soothing words, turning him over, offer of a feed, snuggle with his rabbit, then i bring him to co-sleep. i don't have a philosophical objection to co-sleeping but i need to get some rest. when he does come to cosleep, he is a restless baby and toes in my ears, and a snoring husband who wakes the baby are compounding my sleep deprivation. my health nurse is talking controlled crying and sleep school but i will not allow myself to be conned into thinking that controlled crying is ok for us.
nicholas is a happy baby, developmentally fine and socially alert. he sleeps reasonably well during the day. i love him so much it makes me weep. but i need to feel a bit better about the whole sleep thing. i am prepared to pay for someone to come to my house and assess us or talk to us or help us or something but all the ads i see are controlled crying suport. what else can i do? i really feel i am at the end of my tether.
becc

By Pinky on Monday, November 29, 2004 - 12:33 am:

Hi Becc,
My heart goes out to you - you are bringing back memories for me of my own second pregnancy.

It is really sad that all the support that seems to be offered involves "cry it out" approaches - there are gentle ways but these arent always "quick fixes" . Because, they are desperate, most parents want one quick simple solution and this is why controlled crying has become so popular. Unfortunately, there is often a price to be paid for the quick fix approach -by the child. I have had a lot of emails from parents who have been persuaded to use controlled crying with older babies and young toddlers with awful results- clingy infants for several weeks or months later and I have even heard from 2 parents whose toddlers were saying single words but stopped talking (although they slept after a week of controlled crying). One of these babies had refused all physical contact from his mum for a year after controlled crying.

When you have developed a strong bond by meeting your baby's needs it is a pity to then suddenly "change the rules" for him.


Its really difficult to help individually in an email alone but I will try and offer suggestiosn based on common reasons for waking at this age.

It is best to try and look at WHY your child is waking and at this age (12 months) there is usually a combination of reasons - consider your baby's development - emotional (separation anxiety is at a peak) , physical (teeth / new foods/ mobility) and neurological development can all affect your baby's behaviour. Singly, these things may not have a great effect but added together, there is a bit of stress for a little person - they also pick up on our own tension and ambivalence (including the stress of conflicting advice that goes against your own heart)

You say your baby is "restless" when you bring him to cosleep - this may be the key - it is normal for infants of this age to "practice" new skills in their sleep (ie crawling/ standing/ walking) - great for brain development but hideous for parents as the babies bump themselves on their cots and wake up. Some parents find taking the baby out of the cot and putting them to sleep on a large mattress on the floor helps - make sure the room is safe in case your child rolls or crawls off the mattress.

Another possible reason for restlessness is diet - check out Sue Dengates website (http://www.fedupwithfoodadditives.info)re food intolerance especially to salicylates - these are naturally occuring chemicals often present in healthy foods such as tomatoes (tomato paste)apples, oranges, strawberries, grapes etc. Sometimes minor alterations to diet can be helpful - I am not suggesting strict elimination diets as these need to be professionally supervised, but often moderate changes do help.

There is also some recent evidence that low levels of Essential fatty acids can predispose children to poor sleep patterns - if you are breastfeeding you can add these to your own diet by eating oily fish eg salmon, tuna or taking supplements such as fish oil or Efalex capsules - they are recommended during pregnancy - check with your health care provider regarding supplements for infants.

One possiblity for "co-sleeping" that gives you more space is to butt the cot up against the edge of your bed - make sure there are no gaps between cot and bed to trap baby - this way you can put your hand out and offer comfort without getting out of bed.

As I have mentioned an email isnt ideal to help you (you can email me personally) but please do listen to your own heart - if anything feels wrong to you it probably is. You are a sensitive mother meeting your baby's legitimate needs but you also need support - consider how you can get help- how about somebody coming to play with your child during the day so you get rest? I could recommend a doula - where do you live? Taking turns with hubby - even at weekends? Daytime naps when your child is napping?

At a recent toddler workshop I held we had an interesting discussion on sleep- of 14 families - only one child was consistently sleeping all night long every night and many families had very creative night time arrangements from taking turns with partners to amazing bed set ups - it really is common for toddlers to have intermittent waking - not something parents have created so please dont blame yourself.

I know you are desperate right now but even if you simply meet your childs needs as you are doing, he will sleep better in a few months as this intense stage of development passes - he is NOT manipulating you! If you want to change things bear in mind the mantra "Gradually with love" and make just one change at a time.

Pinky

By rebeccab on Monday, November 29, 2004 - 09:11 pm:

thanks for the response, Pinky. I am sure there are others out there in a similar situation but it seems so grim when you are struggling.
we had one sleep through a few nights ago. so i feel all boosted by that at the minute. nicholas has had mild excema reactions to salicilates and perhaps it is worht trying to observe this a little more closely. and i will look at the EFA's. i am a non fish eater, and i don't give it to nicholas as often as i should i think.
i am trying to sleep when he sleeps during the day and have made a decision to cosleep from when he wakes and can't be readily resettled overnight. i am sure eventually he will work it out and feel ok about sleeping in his own bed... won't he?
I think you are right though about a combination of factors leading to a big hard to solve intantly situation, he IS starting to think about walking, he IS sensitive to food, and IS a baby very fond of close contact. i feel more confident to persist and ride it out. i really needed the support though. i have sent you an email personally last week, would love some suggestions of someone to homevisit. thanks,
becc

By Leah Kotsoglo on Saturday, January 1, 2005 - 02:26 pm:

Hi Pinky, I wonder if you can offer any advice regarding my 11 week old daughter. She sleeps okay (not great, just okay) most of the time during the day, but at night time she just won't go to sleep at all. We have been trying what I think is called Controlled Comforting (we learnt this at a Day Stay at Ngala) but she just continues to cry. Sometimes she will appear to fall asleep, but that only lasts a couple of minutes and she wakes again. Last night, as an example, she was awake from 9.30pm until 2am, and she only went to sleep then because I laid her on my chest and rocked her to sleep. I am not against co sleeping, but she won't even sleep in our bed next to us, only if she is on top of us!!! I am desperate for some sleep, and I'm sure it is bad for my daughter to be awake so long as well. I have tried so many things - lights on/off, noise (TV, radio) on/off, massage, relaxing bath, top up feeds. I don't know what else to do. Any suggestions you have would be most appreciated. Thanks, Leah.

By DonnaM on Thursday, February 3, 2005 - 10:03 am:

Pinky,

Help!! I don't know what to do. My little girl is 18 months old, she was born 10 weeks premature and was 1692 grams. From day one I took colostrom down to the NICU and we learnt to breastfeed when she was 5 and a half weeks old and I am very proud of that. Our daughter was very much in a routine of feeds (every four hours) when we brought her home from hospital at the age of seven weeks. We let the routine disappear and let her demand feeds and cuddles. After she had been home about a month we brought her into the family bed and she has remained there since. I didn't know anything about cosleeping I only know that it feels natural and we felt like we were making up for lost time.

Last year our little girl had two more stays in hospital due to viruses that caused respiratory problems (related to her prematurity). They reluctantly let us sleep together in the hospital so she could feed when she needed to. During these hospital stays blood tests were done and she was found to be very low in iron. She is now on incremin with iron and iron rich foods and her levels have improved marketly.

Our baby has always preferred the breast to food. She also falls asleep on the breast. Other than the car... she only falls asleep on the breast. I realised we had a problem a week or so ago when I went away for the day and my partner stayed home with our daughter. Our girl would not have a day time sleep. It seemed she didn't know how to take herself off without the breast. Somehow we got ourselves here (probably through my guilt of our early seperation and feeling like I needed to compensate for that). My baby needs to get herself to sleep and my husband and I need to have time together. My little girl and I were going to bed during the day and she would sleep for 45minutes, I would have to run into the bedroom when she woke to feed and resettle her for another 45 minutes (hopefully). This would happen one to two times a day, depending on her tired cues. In the evenings we do her bed time routine and then I take her into bed and feed her to sleep. She then wakes anywhere from 3-6 times during the night to feed and resettle.

We can't find an alternative to help her to sleep other than do the bedtime routine, including breastfeeding in the lounge room, then Dad reads her "Time For Bed" book and we put her down in her cot and try and teach her to sleep. We can't let her lie there crying ....... we have left the room intermittedly (against our instincts and as a last resort)... this does not feel right for us and we are rather distressed about doing it. We have tried cuddling her to sleep and she fights this and cries for "boob". We are happy to have our baby in bed with us breastfeeding through the night however I want her to be able to settle herself to sleep during the day and first thing at night, I would also like her to eat more (as the paediatrician has recommended we cease the iron supplement with a view to test her iron in 3 months). I have reduced feeding to 3 times a day after food but am a little concerned she is filling up during the night.

How can we teach her to take herself off to sleep and have her choose to eat more food whilst still continuing with the intimacy of feeding and cosleeping??? Are we dreaming?? Please help.... I feel very confused and upset and we want to be clear with our little girl. Also a recommendation on which of your books would be most suitable for our situation would be great. The library is absolutely full of control crying books- not for us!!!!

By rebeccab on Sunday, February 6, 2005 - 09:14 pm:

Donna M,
I have just checked back in after having some personal success with my baby (see my message above from late november, when things were getting rough). I had a look at loads of books and websites and tried to find support in my community from GP, health nurse, other mums and found everyone pushing the controlled crying/comforting barrow, only adding to my feelings of despair and isolation. I felt like I was wanting my cake and eating it too by wanting to get some sleep without having to put my baby to bed screaming. I FINALLY found a book that is helping - THE NO CRY SLEEP SOLUTION by Elizabeth Pantley. I did have to buy it as not a lot of libraries seemed to have it but it has changed my life. No quick fixes like controlled crying people claim but we started 3 weeks ago and my baby no longer feeds to sleep and resettles quickly overnight and is waking less (down to 1-4 times, much better and still improving). The author is a mother of 4 and a prolonged breast feeder and cosleeper but offers options for all combinations of feeding and sleeping arrangements. I have found that it is really easy to tailor to your own needs. I am really enjoying the process, and am amazed at how much closer I feel to my little boy.
Remember that because your journey with your baby has been one where you have felt so intensely how precious her life is, that nothing you have done is wrong. You simply find yourself in a situation that has been established by you all and you are ready to change it. you can and you can do it gently and everyone will be ok.
Good luck, leave a message to let me know what you think.
becc

By pinky on Monday, February 7, 2005 - 09:29 am:

Dear Donna and Rebecca,
Sorry, I didnt respond earlier.

Thankyou for your sensitive respinse Rebecca.

Donna, you have been doing a fabulous job - since your baby was born premature, you will have helped her through the trauma of this early separation by being so responsive. This will have helped her develop trust in you and her world. This separation anxiety she is expressing is normal and healthy at her age - you (and your breasts!)are the centre of her universe!

Babies who have early separations and stress are likely to have strong separation anxiety - this shows they are forming good bonds and attachment with you. I receive quite a few emails from parents whose babies and toddlers become excessively clingy and hypervigilant when they have tried to do controlled crying - in many cases, it makes things worse ie they become MORE wakeful! This must be especially upsetting to a baby who has had a stressful beginning.

As REbecca has mentioned, there are gentle ways to change things - the mantra that I use is "gradually with love". Please bear in mind that you have done NOTHING WRONG.

You would possibly find Parenting By Heart very reassuring as although it starts with birth (since that is the first step into the unknown that we make on behalf of our child), it takes a holistic look at mothering with confidence - there is a sleep chapter with parents stories too - this shows there are different ways to suit different families. 100 Ways to Calm the Crying is more specifically about crying (day and night)-I also offer gentle information on sleep and settling and outline how you can gradually change from breastfeeding to sleep, but it is mostly geared to younger babies (under a year). AS REbecca mentioned , this appreoach isnt a quick fix but when done gradually with love, any transition is more permanent and less stressful- why would you undo all the great work you have already done?

You may be right in thinking that your baby is 'stoking up at night' since you have cut down her daytime breastfeeds. breastmilk is still an important source of nutrition and immunity - not to mention comfort! It will be a matter of working this out yourself (perhaps including one more day feed to see if this makes any difference at night time)- sometimes when we try too hard to make changes before our babies are ready they 'pay us back' by reacting so we do meet their needs.

Please see your baby's needs as legitimate - I am sure you are doing this - try to find sensible support for yourself - try the Australian BReastfeeding Association to get some positive feedback about your mothering. Also consider that babies are all ready at different times to 'let go' - I found that I could gradually wean off breastfeeding at day sleeps by getting my husband to take the babies for a walk in the stroller around nap time- BEFORE they requested the boob. This wasnt then the senario of me leaving the baby - but the baby going out with Daddy. Soon they felt ok about me not being there at nap times and would snuggle with daddy - just baby steps is the key to all change -and at this age consider that as you remove something (the breast) , at first you will have to substitute another cue (music/ rocking)- gradually, whatever cue you use, this can be shortened (turn the volume down gradually if you are using music/ rock for a shorter period and put your baby down almost asleep, then a few days later, as she is more awake) so that your child will soon fall asleep with a bedtine story and a cuddle (your routine is great) - think "weeks" as Rebecca has mentioned, as you drop one feed at a time (a sleep time feed - either day or night -first, then gradually one of the night feeds -consider the weather and perhaps offer water if it is hot, at just one feed at a time until your baby and your breasts adapt) - there isnt a 'quick fix' if your child isnt ready yet and since this is all she knows, it isnt fair to suddenly 'change the rules' on her.

I am holding a terrific toddler workshop in March in Melbourne if this interests you -our last workshop included a really interesting discussion on sleep.

Best wishes,
Pinky

By rebeccab on Monday, February 7, 2005 - 04:03 pm:

ooooh, pinky. please give details of the workshop.
becc

By Pinky on Monday, February 7, 2005 - 06:34 pm:

Check out my seminar page - theres a link from the front page under events to all my classes. Theres a registration form there too.
Pinky

By DonnaM on Tuesday, February 15, 2005 - 09:34 pm:

Hi Becc
Thanks so much for your message, compassion and recommendation... it is very much appreciated! I bought "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" from Australian Breastfeeding Association and received it late last week. What a great book! Just to know you're not alone is comforting. We've started logging Maiya's sleep patterns etc. today and will be starting with the sleep plan as of tomorrow. Some of the ideas we already had in place but we couldn't work out how to take it to the next step without the crying thing. Thank you again.
Wishing you a whole nights sleep
Donna x

By DonnaM on Tuesday, February 15, 2005 - 10:20 pm:

Dear Pinky
Thank you!! I appreciate you getting back to me, and for your wonderful advice. Sometimes you can feel very alone... since it's easy to feel lost amongst the literature available on parenting-both in the library and bookstores (particularly when 99% advocate control crying). As you were writing to me... I'd already started feeding Maiya again on request and I was going back to our "nursing to sleep" pattern... as her distress and lack of sleep was heart wrenching as well as the fact that I was feeling like a zombie!
We are going "gradually with love"... and slowly changing the sleep cues!
Looking forward to the Terrific Toddler workshop next month. I've sent you an email to register.
Thanks again
Donna

By rebeccab on Wednesday, February 16, 2005 - 10:47 am:

Donna,
Am so glad to read that you seem much more positive and connected to your 'mummy bones' as my friend calls it (you really do feel it in your bones, don't you. sometimes yo don't know what to do but you know right to your mummy bones when something isn't right). Glad you like the book. I read it in half a day and have also re-read both of pinky's books (calm the crying and parenting by heart, both great). I find that the NCSS book is, as you said, stuff you sort of already know but being able to put it all together and have a bit of a plan makes you feel a bit less despairing. My Nicholas has had a bit of an easy week, I am pregnant and tired and my husband has been away working for 5 MONTHS, and I couln't be bothered so it was 4 crys or 4 o clock (then in with mum) for us this week. and I feel perfectly ok about it. Last night we were back on the plan and he is waking so many fewer times, and is so much less panicked when he does that even if I have to sit in his room till he is almost asleep, he is calmly breathing and gradually going back to sleep, no picking up needed, just shhhing and key words (night night, I love you) every now and then. I feel so empowered knowing that I am making gentle changes that he can understand and not be fearful of, and I just feel so close to him. I am listening to my mummy bones, and that's what I signed up for when i signed up for being a mum.
good luck and well done,
might see you at the seminar,
becc

By Pinky on Tuesday, March 1, 2005 - 12:13 am:

Hi becc and Donna,
Just a reminder about the Toddler workshop. I need registration forms to reserve your places - you can down load the form linked to the seminars page and either fax or post it ASAP.

I did a toddler workshop at Geelong yesterday - a big group, a beautiful space and fantastic parents so lots of great sharing. I need to limit numbers here as this venue is smaller -its very lovely though.

Pinky

By Jane Dougherty on Tuesday, March 15, 2005 - 09:45 pm:

Dear Pinky and readers,
What an awesome web site! I am a mother of four (7.5yrs-6mths)and today I went to a Daystay at Lismore NSW. My almost 6mth old has not been a great sleeper from birth, has Reflux and I am at my wits end from sleep deprivation. As I own and co-ordinate a childcare centre, I have an extremely busy lifestyle (as all mums do), thus I am having difficulty in finding 'time' to help Abe to sleep. I began to read your book "parenting by Heart", whilst at the daystay, today. I was amazed that the centre had your books and raved what a great read they were...when I read that you do not condone "Controlled crying"(or whatever the new vogue name for it is)!!! What were they teaching Abe and I today??? Yes you guessed it...controlled crying!!!
During the day I could handle it without crying myself, because I was amongst others...but now at home, I've tried it, whilst getting dinner ready for the children and whilst my hubby was at touch football. The result? A stressed out baby and I blubbering mummy! He has, however been asleep for 3 hrs now (never heard of)...but after exploring your web site and reading the former messages, I am totally confused!! I don't feel right by letting Abe cry(scream actually) for 40mins...but I've had the result of sleep(isn't that what I was after?).
Your words make so much more sense than allowing a babe to cry itself hoarse....now I'm feeling more guilty than ever.
I will endeavour to hunt down the book the Becc has recommended,as well as securing my own copy of your books. Coming from a rural town like Grafton,NSW, I'll no doubt need to order them. Nonetheless, I can't wait to read "100 Ways to Calm the Crying"...just to confuse myself more!
Love the website and you have found another follower in me...thankyou

By Kimberley on Tuesday, March 15, 2005 - 10:32 pm:

Hi Jane, sorry you're having a hrad time at the moment. I introduced controlled crying or comforting around 5 months of age with my daughter and found it worked well. Before that, I didn't feel she was ready. I first tried it during the day and put her down before she was too tired, so there wasn't too much distress. I have also been using a dummy which seemed to help with the process. This is what I did, but I'm not advising that this is the right method for you. I have bub's cot in our room, so that way I can tend to her quickly during the night. I usually pop her into our bed after her early morning feed, which is just divine, but I don't tend to sleep that well with her in our bed. In the first 3 months, we pretty much did co-sleeping after I realised she wanted me, not me singing and rocking her cradle.
I wonder if you can do co-sleeping for now and try again later or even have bub's cot in your room. Hope this helps, Kimberley

By pinky on Wednesday, March 16, 2005 - 12:17 am:

Hi Jane,
mothers are experts at the womanly art of self flagellation arent we??- dont beat up on yourself. I think under stress any of us can be pushed to try things that dont feel right to us.

I dont like controlled crying and there is a growing body of evidence against it, but most sadly, I hate the way it is 'offered' (read pushed) as the the 'only' "sensible" or "reasonable' option.

I am sure for some babies there will be little reaction, but for many the price is extreme clinginess, for others there is learned helplessness (giving up, rather than learning a legitimate skill), there is also evidence that the increased levels of stress hormones involved with repeated episodes of being left to cry can alter the base cortisol levels in the developoing brain , predisposing babies to overreact to stress later in life.

Here are a coupl of links you might (or not) like to read

CONTROLLED CRYING: Australian Association of Infant Mental Health (AAIMHI) POSITION PAPER – includes refs.
http://www.aaimhi.org/documents/position%20papers/controlled_crying.pdf

Why love matters – how affection shapes a baby’s brain .
http://books.guardian.co.uk/review/story/0,12084,1262302,00.html

Having given this info tho, I also empathise with your stress levels- having 5 kids I 'get it". It can be really hard to find a balance between mummy survival and perfect mummy who meets everybodies needs.

Do you have any help?? Can you get any even temporarily? Cam you just take bub into your bed for part of the night? Especially if you are busy / separated during the day. Sometimes babies make up for this by needing extra mummy time at night -I feel its a like babies have a little emotional tank that needs filling and will demand this until its needs are met/ tank filled with mummy cuddles. A 'good' baby will extract exactly the care he needs for optimum development.

A good guilt antidote is a dash of Desperate Housewives - pity its going to take a break for a few weeks-Im loving it. I also have a chapter on guilt in Parenting By heart - funny how they recommended it yet still do controlled crying, I have though discovered most people read it and enjoy whatever they want and dont seem affected by what they want to leave, which is great.

SPeaking of tired -I have a dose of flu and must head to bed.
Pinky

By Michelle Fulcher on Wednesday, March 16, 2005 - 10:06 am:

Hi everyone,
I must also advocate desperate housewives as a good indulgence for any mother. I have also been down the path like many of you, controlled crying not feeling right and having to do research to make up my mind... then educating (convincing) hubby over to my side of the fence. Another good book is the "No cry sleep solution." its written by another mummy just like us. One who did controlled crying but ended up as a blubbering mess herself. Its in no way a quick fix or easy solution, but it IS an alternative. I would also highly recommend pinky's books, but you all know that already! I know that I myself have had a complete attitude turn around. At first I was trying to get him to be a 'good' baby (i.e to sleep through the night, be placid and happy). But now I see surviving the first year as a real acheivement. I know that eventually he will sleep, but I do need to find ways to survive until that day. We all do the best job we know how- and that's all we can hope to do!!

By rebeccab on Wednesday, March 16, 2005 - 08:04 pm:

Hi Jane,
You will find as much support as you want here. Sounds like you are on the right track.
Stay in touch and let us know how you are doing. If you have trouble getting the No cry sleep solution book, I may be able to help you out with a copy. As for pinky's books, I think you would find them dog eared by all of us and a little hard to let go. See how you go with accessing them.
Good luck and welcome.
becc